What the Muffins? Episode 01 – Pilot Written by Jeff Smith, Chris Smith and Matt Champoux Transcripted by David Holley 1 INT. HOUSE – BEDROOM - DAY We open on a view of the poster for STAR WARS. Camera pans downwards revealing JEFF, lying on the bed. JEFF (V.O.) You wake up, a strange memory in your mind. Was it a dream? Or something else? (sitting up, sound building) A communication? What’s- what’s it saying to me? Is something bad going to happen? Something... evil? (cut sound) VOICE (O.S.) Dun dun dunnn! MATT appears at the doorway. JEFF (V.O.) That’s Matt. He does that, sometimes. JEFF (to Matt) What are you doing? MATT I’m, uh, practicing for the party tonight. He raises his eyebrows. Jeff looks wildly offshot. FLASH CUT TO: 2 INT. HOUSE – KITCHEN MATT and JEFF are sitting at the table in the middle of the kitchen. CHRIS walks in, carrying a pile of pizza boxes. CHRIS Pizza’s here! As he drops the boxes Matt rises and throws his arms in the air. MATT Dun dun dunnn! FLASH CUT TO: 3 INT. HOUSE – BEDROOM Jeff is still staring offshot. MATT (points to eyes) Two eyes here, Jeff. JEFF Oh yeah. MATT There we go. (pauses) I think I left my Nintendo running! Matt rushes out. JEFF (V.O.) And so begins another day. Jeff sweeps the bedclothes across frame. SWIPE TO: 4 INT. – HOUSE – CORRIDOR / STAIRS / FRONT ROOM Jeff walks out of the bedroom and along the corridor, towards and down the stairs. JEFF (V.O.) Life’s definitely more interesting with Matt and Chris around. It’s just like the time when the Ninja Turtles saved my life. Pause film, and rewind along with appropriate sound effects. Jeff comes back up the stairs. Freeze frame. JEFF (V.O.) Hold on, let me explain. MONTAGE IMAGE V.O. MATT Me and Matt, who’s my buddy, we're also friends with CHRIS Chris, which makes no sense because CHRIS AT DOOR he’s cool, MATT AND JEFF DANCING and we’re not. CHRIS Chris had parents, who had HOUSE a house. His parents moved PALM TREE to Florida HOUSE but the house TEXT: DIDN’T didn’t. CHRIS So Chris HOUSE Moved in. CHRIS Now we were someplace and Chris saw KATIE Katie, JEFF AND MATT me and Matt got in CHRIS Chris’ way, JEFF AND MATT we said HOUSE let us live in the house and JEFF AND MATT we’ll let you talk to the KATIE girl. CHRIS Chris said let me talk to the KATIE girl and I’ll let you CHRIS live. JEFF AND MATT We decided to let him by. BANANAS CHRIS After Chris talked to KATIE Katie JEFF AND MATT we asked to move in again. MATT Matt had a little money and a NINTENDO Nintendo. I had the NINJA TURTLES DVDS Ninja Turtles on DVD. CHRIS Chris said, ‘Sure!’ END MONTAGE Cut back to Jeff in corridor. JEFF (V.O., cont.) Okay, you got all that? Okay, good. Frame unpauses and Jeff continues to walk downstairs. As he gets downstairs he notices Chris sleeping on the couch. Chris is lolling with a peak cap on, covering his eyes and a basketball underneath his feet. JEFF (V.O., cont.) Honestly, who sleeps that cool? He turns away and trips. CUT TO: 5 INT. HOUSE – KITCHEN Jeff walks into the kitchen and looks into the family room where Matt is playing on his Nintendo. Matt seems furiously engaged. JEFF (V.O., cont.) Yep, looks like the Nintendo was running alright. Shot of Mario being played. JEFF (V.O., cont.) Is he using the subwoofer to play Nintendo? He shakes his head and walks to the fridge. On the fridge is stuck a piece of paper with ‘The Plan’ drawn out. On it are depicted ‘Matt’s Awesom Team of Winnerz’ and ‘Kev’s Luzers’. Jeff opens the fridge. SCREENCAPTURE OF MARIO GAME BEING PLAYED BY MATT Matt is still furiously playing. He completes the section. CUT TO: 6 TIME PASSES BY... CUT TO: 7 INT. HOUSE – JEFF’S COMPUTER / FRONT ROOM / KITCHEN Jeff is typing on his computer. Sounds of Nintendo can still be heard. Chris is still sleeping on the couch. Matt is still playing Nintendo. MATT Goombas. So flat. The doorbell rings. Matt picks up his phone. MATT (to his phone) Hello? The doorbell rings again, and he puts the phone down. The doorbell rings again, waking Chris up. He takes off his hat, tosses it onto a nearby guitar, flicks up the basketball with his feet, tosses it around and puts it down. He walks to the door. CUT TO: 8 I/E. HOUSE – FRONT PORCH / FRONT ROOM Kevin is standing outside the door. The door is opened by Chris, who steps forward. Kevin smiles. Jeff, at his computer, turns. JEFF (V.O., cont.) Kevin... Kevin walks in the door. KEVIN / CHRIS Whassup? / What’s going on? / How you doing? Kevin flicks the door shut with his foot. He and Chris then proceed to perform a very long and complicated handshake. FLASH CUT TO: Jeff is bouncing around, imitating the handshake. We realize it was all in his head. He returns to typing. Kevin and Chris are talking by the door. Jeff hears their conversation and walks into the room to join them. JEFF Kevin! KEVIN (not impressed) Jeff... JEFF Ready to get your butt kicked tonight, eh? KEVIN (to Chris) I see you’re still living with the losers. CHRIS C’mon. You live with Chris, you’re not a loser. Chris and Kevin snap their fingers. JEFF (V.O.) (while trying to imitate them) They are so cool! They stare at him. CHRIS (away) Or not. KEVIN (away) Loser. JEFF (angrily) Hey, yeah, well, we’ll see who’s the losers tonight, when we play Battlefield, ‘cos, we’re totally gonna kick your butt. And then, you’ll be the loser, and we’ll be the winners and, you’ll be the losers. Chris rolls his eyes. JEFF (cont.) In Battlefield. Right Chris? Right? Huh? CHRIS Actually I was going to play on Kevin’s team tonight. Mix things up a little. If you’re cool with that. Jeff stands dumbfounded. MATT (O.S.) Screw you Bowser! JEFF (squeaky) Yeah, okay... CHRIS / KEVIN Great, well we’re gonna go grab some breakfast / catch you later man. Jeff stands and stares into the middle distance. JEFF (V.O.) For the first time in five years, Chris doesn’t want to play on our team. What are we gonna do? CUT TO: 9 INT. HOUSE – JEFF’S COMPUTER Jeff is working. Matt pokes his head around the door and walks in. MATT Sorry I’m late, that Bowser put up quite a fight. What’d I miss? JEFF What are you talking about? MATT Come on, man, I felt a disturbance in the force! Something’s not right. JEFF (V.O.) How does he do that? JEFF Well, Darth... Jeff rather amuses himself. JEFF (V.O.) Heh, Star Wars... JEFF Chris doesn’t want to play on our team. He wants to play on Kevin’s team. MATT Nah, no, Kevin’s not on our team. He realises what was implied. MATT (grabbing Jeff’s shoulder) No, you don’t mean... Jeff nods. MATT No, no! We’ve been playing together for like thirty years! He... He can’t just up and switch teams like that on us; it’s not fair! JEFF I’m like, twenty. MATT Is nothing sacred anymore? I’m gonna have to redraw the map! We gotta do something! JEFF Okay, get off me, alright. Look. I’m just as ticked off as you are, but there’s nothing we can do about it. Besides, I gotta get back to work. Matt is deep in thought. MATT We gotta make a plan. What would Link do? Well he’s got those swords, right? Nah, that’s not gonna work, I don’t have a sword! He’s got those bombs. I don’t have any of those either. (Ah, but he’s gotta have full hearts) this is a predicament. (but I’ll get full hearts) His ravings become more incomprehensible and louder. Jeff is getting more and more agitated. JEFF Augh! Don’t you have to go check your Nintendo games or something? MATT What for? JEFF To be sure that they’re still Nintendo games. MATT (snapping his fingers) You’re right! Good thinking! (as he is leaving) You can never be too careful! He leaves and Jeff looks relieved. CUT TO: 10 INT. HOUSE – JEFF’S COMPUTER / KITCHEN There is a lot of junk on the desk. Jeff is still working on the computer. He finishes whatever he was doing. JEFF (V.O.) It’s awfully quiet around here. Chris got back a couple of hours ago, he’s probably sleeping again, eh, I’d better go check on Matt. He leaves for the kitchen. When he arrives, he finds Matt sitting at the table which is buried under piles of Nintendo cartridges. He is checking each one, and as he does so, says ‘Nintendo’ quietly. JEFF Hey, Matt, is Chris still sleeping? Matt continues. JEFF Is this all you’ve been doing? Matt still carries on. The doorbell rings. Jeff leaves reluctantly to answer it. Matt continues to check games. He comes across his copy of super mario brothers. He smiles in satisfaction. He flips the cartridge over to find ‘SEGA’ scrawled over the back. CUT TO: 11 I/E – HOUSE – FRONT ROOM / FRONT PORCH Jeff is walking to get the door. In the background we can hear Matt screaming. Jeff opens the door to reveal KATIE. She stands in radiant sunshine looking beautiful. Jeff is awestruck. KATIE Hi, is Chris home? FLASH CUT TO: Katie now appears to be standing in the pouring rain. JEFF Uh, I’m Chris. KATIE No you’re not. JEFF (looking disappointed) Well, he’s not home then. He shuts the door. The doorbell rings again as he walks away. CUT TO: 12 INT. HOUSE – KITCHEN Jeff walks into the kitchen and is confronted by Matt, who has pen covering his face. Matt looks pensive. JEFF What happened to you? There are flashbacks of Matt throwing games around in fury and desperation. MATT Nothing. Everything’s under control. More flashbacks. MATT No cause for alarm. JEFF Right... okay. We all set for the party tonight? You’re getting the desserts, right? MATT Oh yeah, I’m, uh, gonna go out in a little bit and take care of that. JEFF Alright, well, I’m gonna go and make sure the computers have the latest patches, and, uhh, Chris is getting the pizza – is he still sleeping? MATT Oh yeah. Yeah, he is, isn’t he. JEFF I guess, uh, well, I gotta get to work. Find some way to occupy yourself. Matt looks evilly. CUT TO: 13 INT – HOUSE – CHRIS’ BEDROOM Chris is lying in bed. The door opens with a creak, revealing Matt wearing a riot shield helmet and black goggles, along with black robes. He flings wide the door which swings back and hits him in the face. He walks into the room, the hair dryer cord tightening around his leg. He falls as the slack is taken up. He looks up to find Chris is still asleep. Matt climbs onto the bed, and walks until he can reach out to try to place headphones on Chris’ head. CHRIS Touch my hair and you will die a slow and painful death. Matt whips out the hairdryer, points it at Chris and turns it on. Chris grabs a green ball off his nightstand and throws it at Matt’s head. Matt drops the hairdryer. MATT Earthling; you will play on Matt and Jeff’s awesome team of winners for the LAN party tonight. CHRIS Matt, what are you doing? MATT I, I, I am not Matt! I am Darth Vader, from the planet Vulcan! He makes the classic Star Trek greeting sign with his hand. Chris does not look impressed. CHRIS I can tell it’s you, you’ve just switched to a different Nintendo shirt. Matt hastily covers his shirt. MATT What, no, what, aaah! He dives from the room, dragging the hairdryer behind him. Chris shakes his head and rolls over. SWISH CUT TO: 14 INT. HOUSE - COMPUTER ROOM Jeff is checking connections. Matt walks past looking sad. He sniffs. Jeff looks at him, and Matt cries as he leaves the room. Jeff continues his work, pulling out one connection to check the pins. He is alerted by a sound at the window. RYAN and ROBBIE are standing at the window, waving. JEFF (V.O.) Oh no. It’s Ryan and Robbie. Alright, stay calm, you can do this. Don’t let those Mac nerds get to you. Just remember – you’re cooler than they are. He gets up and walks to the door. CUT TO: 15 I/E. HOUSE - FRONT PORCH Jeff opens the door. Ryan and Robbie are standing there. RYAN Hey there geeky. JEFF (V.O.) Hit him back! But he doesn't. RYAN Hear you guys are having a LAN party tonight. JEFF (V.O.) Doh! JEFF So, you know. What of it? RYAN You got any Macs on the network? JEFF No... no we don’t. RYAN I could, uh, bring one over if you want. I just got a new flavour. It’s, uh, kiwi. Ryan and Robbie salute. RYAN AND ROBBIE G5. Jeff is getting angrier. MATT (O.S.) Duo of ignorance! Matt appears from around the corner and walks towards the door. MATT (to Ryan and Robbie) Did you think you could escape me? Prepare to be vanquished. JEFF (V.O.) Who’s geeky now? They look, smarmily, at Ryan and Robbie. Ryan and Robbie look at each other and extend their hands. There is a flash of light and Matt and Jeff are thrown backwards. Ryan and Robbie appear to have energy emanating from their hands. ROBBIE Fools! RYAN We shall now unleash our secret weapon! Matt and Jeff struggle to get up. RYAN We’re five years younger than you. ROBBIE And we have girlfriends. RYAN And you don’t! Jeff is still struggling to rise. JEFF They're too strong! MATT No! Use the secret weapon! Jeff nods and they rise to their feet. He grab their shirts and rip them open to reveal t-shirts. They hold out their hands and create a ball of energy. As it grows bigger, it pulses and becomes a Nintendo light gun. Matt fires it at Ryan and Robbie who recoil, are hit and dissipate in the manner of video game bad guys. The door closes. JEFF (to Matt) So where’d you get that shirt? MATT Ah, I had a black one on, but it wouldn’t close properly. Hey! Did you get all the computer stuff ready? JEFF Um, well, just about. I’ve got a few network settings to fiddle with, but we’ll be set. MATT Well, I’m gonna go get all the desserts and such. JEFF Wait a second! What do you mean by ‘desserts and such’? MATT Eh, you know, desserts... JEFF ...you mean cannollis. MATT No! JEFF Yeah! MATT Yeah, I do. JEFF Yeah. Last time you got like fifty, and nobody ate any but you. MATT Yeah, but I love ‘em though! JEFF No no no no no no. MATT Please! JEFF One. MATT Ooh! JEFF / MATT You get one, and that’s it! / Okay. / You better get other good stuff too. MATT Okay. JEFF Just one! Only one Cannolli! Matt leaves through the front door. Chris walks in from the kitchen dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi. OBI-WAN Someone called? FLASH CUT TO: Chris is standing there in normal clothes. CHRIS What are you looking at me for? JEFF Hmm, nothing. CHRIS Yeah. Matt leave? JEFF Uh, yeah. CHRIS Alright, well I’m gonna take off too then. Chris tosses his keys over his shoulder and catches them. CHRIS I gotta pick up the guys and go get the pizza, so see you later. Freeze frame. JEFF (V.O.) Okay. Here’s the problem. MONTAGE IMAGE V.O. CHRIS Chris always plays on JEFF me MATT and Matt’s team KEVIN Now all of a sudden he wants to play on Kevin’s team with TIM Tim. So what, what’s CLUTCH Clutch gonna play on our team? I mean, JEFF c’mon! I need like a ‘THE PLAN’ plan or something. I wonder if MATT Matt’s still got those ROLLERSKATES rollerskates... MONKEYS Wait! I know! END MONTAGE Jeff walks towards the computers and hears the car pulling off outside. JEFF (V.O.) Or, I could wait till he gets back. CUT TO: 16 TIME PASSES BY... CUT TO: 17 INT. HOUSE – FRONT PORCH / JEFF’S COMPUTER The door opens. In steps Matt, looking pleased with himself. MATT Who’s got the Cannollis baby! He walks into the computer room where Jeff, at his computer, is online. JEFF (V.O.) That’s what I need, a gaming fez... He is reading PvP, the online comic. Matt looks at him, shrugs, and walks off. CUT TO: 18 INT. HOUSE – KITCHEN Matt puts his bag of cannollis on the table, and walks to the phone. He presses a button. MATT Checking the messages. There are a series of messages. Each is cut off by Matt as he tries to find something relevant to him. ANSWERING MACHINE *High Chris, this is Katie, just trying to get a-hold of ya, I stopped by earlier, but some weird guy closed the door on me? I don’t know if you know what it was but... *Hey Chris, it’s Kristen... *Oh hey Chris, just... *Hey Chris, it’s Julie... *Hi Chris!... *Oh, hey Chris... *Hey there Chri... *Hey Chri... *Chri... *Hi... *Chris... *Yeah, hi, it’s Bill Lum... *Hey. What’s going on... *Chris? Are you there... *Oh hey Chris, j... *Hey Chri... *Oh hey Chri... Finally he gets to one he wants. ANSWERING MACHINE *Uh, hello, this is Dan from Gamestop, calling for Matt Champoux, this is to let you know that we’re now holding Megaman 3 for you. Also we were unfortunately unable to get a copy of the June 1989 issue of Nintendo Power that you requested, um, have a good day. The message finishes. Matt is leafing through mail. The answering machine beeps, and the last message PLAYS: ANSWERING MACHINE SEGA! MATT Ah! (falls over) Who’s doing this to me? CUT TO: 19 INT. HOUSE - FRONT PORCH / KITCHEN / JEFF’S COMPUTER A car screeches in the driveway. Someone runs up the steps. The door opens and Chris walks in carrying pizza. CHRIS Pizza’s here! He walks in. Matt, in the kitchen, gets up. MATT Pizza? Jeff is at his computer. MATT (O.S.) Hi biscuits! KEVIN (O.S.) That’s fine Matt. TIM and CLUTCH walk in. MATT Hey Tim! TIM Matt. MATT Clutch. CLUTCH Hey Matthew. They smile, and Jeff pokes his head around the corner. CUT TO: 20 INT KITCHEN Kevin, Matt, Chris and Tim are standing in the kitchen, talking. KEVIN If by this you mean Counter-Strike... Clutch walks past Jeff next to the bag of Cannollis. He looks into the bag, and everything seems to go slow. CLUTCH What’s with all these Cannollis? MATT Dun dun dunnn! Everybody groans at Matts ridiculousness. CUT TO: 21 EXT. HOUSE – GARDEN Shot of house. CUT TO: 22 INT. HOUSE – KITCHEN Clutch is sitting at the table with Jeff and Matt. Matt is drawing another 'Plan'. JEFF How we coming on that plan, Matt? MATT ‘s looking pretty good. See, you – me, we come down this way, right, and, and you- (points to Clutch) -you’re going to come in from round, we’re gonna flank ‘em, right, from, from... eh, I’ve got nothing you guys. I don’t know what to do. We see that his 'Plan' is just a goofy face. JEFF Alright, how about this. We need to win. CLUTCH I like that plan. I like that a lot. Matt smacks his head. MATT No... why? Jeff and Matt flail in desperation. SWISH CUT TO: 23 INT. HOUSE – KITCHEN Kevin is in the kitchen talking to Chris and Tim. KEVIN (to Chris) You still working midnight shifts? CHRIS Yeah, shoot man, I hate that. TIM Dude, just, don’t go. KEVIN What’dya mean, don’t go? TIM I mean, don’t go in, why go in, you hate it, why go in? CHRIS They might have a problem with that. TIM Ah, I don’t think so, I never go in, I’m not fired yet. SWISH CUT TO: 24 INT. HOUSE – KITCHEN Matt, Jeff and Clutch are still discussing the plan. JEFF W-wait a minute... that’s not such a bad idea! MATT Really? JEFF Yeah, ‘cause that level has a sniper tower. CLUTCH You’re right. JEFF AND MATT AND CLUTCH Aaah... An alarm sounds. They all look. Next to Jeff’s computer a clock is showing 8.00 JEFF (V.O.) The alarm sounded, my soul heard its call. JEFF It’s time. Chris, Kevin and Tim walk slowly in. They wear dark glasses and dark jackets/trench coats. Matt, Jeff and Clutch walk towards them. Jeff and Chris face off. KEVIN You geeks ready to lose? MATT You bet we are. Clutch and Jeff look at Matt. Tim brings out a gun and fires it at the ceiling. Jeff, Matt and Clutch run, then, realizing they went the wrong way, walk back, glumly. CUT TO: 25 INT. HOUSE – COMPUTER ROOM The computers are set up for the LAN party, at them sits various of the characters. They play, though Matt plays with a Nintendo controller. On one shot, Jeff is wearing his fez. Jeff, Matt and Clutch initially are losing, then get on top and finally win. FADE TO: 26 INT. HOUSE – FRONT ROOM Matt and Jeff come out dancing. Chris follows them. MATT / JEFF Who kicked some butt? / We kicked some butt! / We did! / We kicked your but man! / Oh yeah! MATT (to Chris) So, are you going to play on our team next time? Gonna kick some butt? CHRIS You guys are stupid. They stop dancing. CHRIS (cont.) Yeah, we'll see. JEFF (V.O.) I knew it! LAN parties always bring us together! They all start dancing. FLASH CUT TO: Then we snap back to reality and only Jeff is dancing. MATT Dude! Jeff stops dancing. MATT What the muffins? They stare at Matt. CHRIS Did you just say ‘what the muffins’? MATT No! Who says that? CUT TO: CREDITS 27 INT. HOUSE – BATHROOM Matt is in the shower, humming the theme to mario. POV as Chris sneaks in. He picks up the soap and writes ‘SEGA’ on the mirror. He leaves. Matt turns off the shower. Chris is walking down the hallway. Matt screams. THE END